My friend Jen and her friend/business partner Jena are full of inspiration, and they are wanting to share thoughts and ideas on Tuesdays--Truthy Tuesdays on The Maven Circle.com.

This week's topic is Self Doubt.  So appropriate for me, because as an artist, as a self-employed person, as a mama,  as a partner, and as a woman I suffer from waves and waves of self doubt.  These, luckily, are balanced most of the time by tidal waves of big dreaming, belief in myself, the will to do good by myself and my family, and pure unadulterated stubborn drive to live my life MY way.  Plus a big dose of amazing people in my life who continue to support me in ways that I never expect and always appreciate more than I can ever possibly express.

Still, sometimes doubt really takes hold.  In some ways it's hard for me to talk about this right now because I have been stuck in the grip of self-doubt lately and am having a hard time getting out.  It's hard to fully explain these things when you are in the midst of them, and the way out is cloudy.  I've been having some health problems that are preventing me from doing all the things that make me feel really strong, and it's affecting my body, my self-image, and my mood a great deal more than I would like to admit.

 My mysterious health problems (I am having trouble catching my breath with even the tiniest amount of physical exertion...yet my heart and lungs are in excellent shape and I don't have asthma or anything like that.  I am seeing a specialist and still doing lots of testing.) are preventing me from my usual walks in nature, hula hooping, jogging, even walking a few blocks to a friend's house or coffee shop let alone my usual 2-mile walks (each way) to my studio every week.  There are so many things that are frustrating about this, but the worst part is that these activities are what nourish me, make me feel strong and alive, connect me to nature, give me my best thinking time and my most "me" time in the middle of my busy life.  All of the sudden I can't do any of them and I am left feeling very lost.

The last thing I am, though, is a quitter.  I might have been stuck in this holding pattern for a little while, but I do not live here and I cannot stay here.  I've started doing some yoga, which I can still do as long as it's gentle and slow.  I've turned back to my old practice of writing every day, which helps me sort my thoughts, tackle my problems, see myself a little more objectively and get back on track.  Slowly, the way out is becoming clearer and I am paying attention and following the path as it opens up to me.

The health problems are what they are--most likely, I think, a sign that I need to slow down every once in awhile and stress out less often--but the self doubt is all part of a cycle.  In some ways it keeps me real.  I am a big dreamer and I get really caught up in where I am going.  There is nothing wrong with that, but I think a little bit of self doubt every once in awhile reminds me to check in with the moment and make sure that I'm doing what I need to do to get to those big dreams.   Self doubt makes me aware of my weaknesses, my limitations.  It is interesting to me that I live in a place where confidence and doubt exist simultaneously; they are wrapped up in each other and in some ways I need both of them. 

And in the end, I know myself, my strengths, my drive.  Most of my art is about the path to realizing one's own strength and beauty, and such is my life; doubt lingers as part of the balance, but confidence will always win.

Illustration Friday time!  Here's my sketch for the week:

Where oh where is April running off to?!  It has been an amazing month.  There was the Buckman Show & Sell, a visit from my mom, speed-networking with galleries at the I Heart Art Mixer Match, and this weekend I'm going to Salem to protest the war against women and hanging out with some friends visiting from Germany!

May is looking like a strong contender with April, starting with two shows in the first week.  On Wednesday, May 2, from 10:30-5:30, I'm having a trunk show at Trillium Artisans on SW Taylor & 3rd.  I'm also hanging some paintings there, which will be up through June.  Here's a picture of some of my dolls that are already there, waiting to be adopted:

I'll be hanging out all day, and along with my dolls and paintings I'll have prints, cards, and magnets for sale!  Come visit me and do some Mother's Day shopping!  (*wink wink*)

The very next day, May 3rd, is 1st Thursday!  I'll be on the stoop of my studio all evening so be sure and stop by!  I'm hoping Indigo will be keeping me company and selling some of her own art, too--she is saving her money for some really awesome costumes to wear.  618 NW Flanders--see you there!

My newest one of a kind art doll, Sage, is moving to her new home in Denver, Colorado, thanks to my best sales rep--my mom.  She is in town visiting, and when she saw my dolls she knew a friend of hers would love them.  Thanks, Mom!

Like my other dolls, Sage is made from reclaimed fabric, which I paint with acrylics giving her body an almost leathery feel.  She is also stuffed with fabric so she has some weight.  Her arms, heart, and head are paper clay which I sculpted, dried, and then carved and sanded before giving them a coat of paint and a protective clear coating.  Sage's hair is from reclaimed doll hair that I found at SCRAP, a local creative re-use store.  Finally, she has a splash of peacock feathers in her hair. 

My other art dolls are beginning to populate my Etsy shop and the Trillium Artisans shop in downtown Portland, but you can always check the Art Dolls page of my Portfolio to see what's new.  If there's one you like--if she's still available--you can always contact me directly and I'll make arrangements through whichever venue she may be at. 

Sometimes the rain fills my spirit.  The sounds of the drops is meditative, the water brightens the colors of all of the flowers, the smell of rain on earth or even on pavement is invigorating.  It feeds my introversion, my introspection, my creativity.  

Other times, the rain drains me.  This is normally sometime around March in the Northwest, when it has been raining month after month with no end in sight.  We get little teasers of sun spotted throughout the great endless dreary.  The term "liquid sunshine" no longer makes me smile.  I have to find my own ways of cheering myself up. 

This is how I think of my art doll, Rayne.  (Rayne, by the way, was what was going to be my daughter's middle name, but we decided not to give her one--she can adopt the name for herself when she's older if she wants to).  Her body is green--not just green but warm and glowing with patterns of sunshine-y orange on her sides.  Her heart is warm, her hair has just the right curl and a little spot of feathers.  She has an intricate little umbrella that emanates happy yellow from below.  If she were to sit on your bookshelf, or your desk, or that sweet little nook at the top of the stairs, she might just warm your day a bit, make you smile and remember that it can't really rain all the time.

It's time for the 22nd Annual Buckman Art Show & Sell!  This Friday & Saturday--see you there!